Monday, July 24, 2006

The Godmother!

" I'll Make You A Machbous
You Can't Refuse! "

We've all seen a wide variety of mob movies (if not, go watch the first two Godfather movies now!) but they all seem to have one seemingly universal constant: a fearless, intimidating & deadly figure aka 'the don'. In my opinion, none were as memorable as Don Corleone, flawlessly portrayed by the late Marlon Brando (may he RIP). "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse", "Keep your friends close, & your enemies closer", and the list goes on! I mean is it just me, or do you find yourself wishing you were at least 1% Italian after watching one of these movies?! .. Well, except maybe for those Leslie Nielsen flicks..

Then it hit me! In some metaphorical kind of sense, we (the Kuwaiti/Bahraini/Saudi population) already have our very own 'Don' in the family: our grandmother(s)! Okay, so maybe I won't get a Nobel Prize for this epiphany (stretching it?); I mean for starters they're not even the same gender (..although..)! But the more I think about it, the more I want to go buy my grandmother some flowers just so that I don't find myself 'sleeping with the fish(es)' anytime soon!

In order to back up such a bold statement you can bet your pastrami I've come up with a dozen (plus 2) similarities shared by these charismatic figures. I just hope I'm not isolating anybody, & my condolences to those of you that lost your grandmothers. Don't feel left out if you haven't had the honour of meeting them, your parents (& you) will eventually transform into one whether you like it or not! Well, here goes:

I. They always stress the importance of family!

II. Outsiders are enemies until proven otherwise!

III. They resent outside food (or as our don eliquently put it: 'jungle food') & always favour home-cooked meals, preferably prepared by their very own hands!

IV. They force-feed you into obesity!

V. They almost always dress in black & own these ridiculously huge shades from some non-existent era (hence the amazing editing that went into the above picture)!

VI. Their house smells like mothballs! .. Wait, is that just us?!

VII. If they call you directly, you know you're in some deep s**t!

VIII. They have money.. Lots of it!

IX. They rarely ever go out, & when they do show up at a public occasion they're always accompanied by at least 2 members of the 'family' aka body-broads!

X. You never say no to them! Heck, you can't even contemplate it without breaking a sweat!

XI. They can never make friends with other 'dons'!

XII. Tradition is their first, middle & last name; with reminscing about 'simpler times' being their favourite pastime.

XIII. Technology just isn't their thing! (Hence, me having the guts to write this post!)

XIV. Their smile shares a schedule similar to that of the lunar eclipse!

Again, as always this is not to be taken seriously (spare me the drive-by's)! But please feel free to share some of your family's well-kept secrets :)

Murderball: So mind-numbingly good that simply calling it a 'documentary' should be considered a crime - it's an experience!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Psychology - The Abridged Version

(1) If you love your parents you actually hate them. If you hate your parents you actually love them. If you've never met your parents you have commitment issues!

(2) If you're married to a woman, you're gay. If you're married to a woman & have kids, you're even more gay. If you're single & homosexually active, there's a very good chance you're actually straight!

(3) If you don't supersize your meals you're anorexic. If you eat chocolate you're depressed. If you don't eat chocolate you're a depressed anorexic!

(4) If you sleep on the left side of the bed you're liberal. If you sleep on the right side of the bed you're conservative. If you sleep in the middle of the bed you voted for George Bush!

(5) If you're too tall you under-achieve. If you're too short you over-achieve. If you're 'just right' watch out for a girl named Goldilocks!

(6) If you pee standing up you're a sadist. If you pee sitting down you're a masochist. If you don't aim for the bowl your name is R Kelly!

(7) If you lock the bathroom door you're paranoid. If you close the bathroom door you have fear of inadequacy. If you leave the door open you're a pervert!

(8) If you constantly make jokes you had a traumatic childhood. If you just laugh at jokes you had a 'normal' childhood. If you don't even laugh at jokes you never had a childhood!

(9) If you write with your right hand you're a victim of the system. If you write with your left hand you're a rebel by nature. If you don't write at all you speak too much!

(10) If you drive with both eyes open you have problems trusting people. If you drive with both eyes closed you're narcolepsic. If you don't drive at all you're an alcoholic!

(11) If you wear make-up you think you're ugly. If you don't wear make-up you're married. If you cover yourself up you're a terrorist!

(12) If you drink Pepsi you like the colour blue. If you drink Coca-Cola you like the colour red. If you drink 7-Up you have good taste!

I would say 'I'm interested on your take of the subject' but that would make me a stalker/rapist. So let's just say I look forward to your input.. Wait, does that make me a computer?

Lucky Number Slevin: Quentin Tarantino has competition! Or plagiarizers..

Saturday, July 01, 2006

That Song From The Bit Where They Did That Thing..

'What genre of music do you listen to?' - that question will forever baffle me.. I mean maybe long ago when music was classified based on which continent it came from, such a question could yield a meaningful answer. But in this day and age where genres are forever overlapping & constantly giving birth to bastard genres that sometimes don't even make sense, you really don't know where to start!

Back when I succumbed to such arbitrary measures I had labelled myself as an 'Alternative Rock' enthusiast for what seemed like forever, but only because arguably any song with a guitar in it could be allocated to that vast genre! And while I was generally unappreciative of all things (c)rap, I frequently found myself singing along to 'Rapper's Delight' by Sugarhill Gang! Wait a minute, that can't be right.. & how was it that I didn't own any Metallica albums even though I sheltered myself under a heading with the term 'rock' in it? That's when I realized that hey, just because I like this one song from this genre doesn't mean I have to like all the other songs in it! Heck, I didn't even like most of the songs on the album that housed the song I was so in love with that I'd already decided to have it played at my wedding! I like what I like because my damn auditory receptors dig the music, not because it's by this artist, from this genre or #1 on the friggin' Billboard for the last 10 years!

I feel it would be alot more plausible to group all songs that infiltrate our complex inner workings under two new super-genres: good and bad. Sure that makes the list subjective, but it's not like these new 'genres' are 100% objective anyway! It may be a bit too simplistic for some, but at least it'll stop 'Acid Rap!' people 'Methodical!' from 'Sacreligious!' inventing 'Morbid!' new 'Medievil!' genres 'Goop!' every 'Klack!' other 'Floss!' second!

But hey what do I know, I'm more into movies anyway.. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I juggle my eyes between 3 LCD screens & the open road while driving on the open road! My CD player hasn't collected dust yet, & is constantly being violated by whatever songs I 'buy' off the internet.. Does that mean I only go to Virgin to buy DVD's? Not really. I do attack a certain (legit) genre over there: Soundtracks! I will never really understand my obsession with these cheap attempts of robbing movie fanboy's of their parent's hard-earned cash.. There's obviously alot of bias involved (no way in hell I'm buying the soundtrack to 'Crossroads'!), but I usually find myself succumbing to the tunes a whole lot faster than to a conventional 'album'. It may be the variety, but I'm sure alot of you music gurus out there have some soundtracks you yourself treasure. So without further ado, here are a few of my most prized soundtracks:

Cult classic movie with a
very unique soundtrack that
definitely grows on you.

Forget the fact that it's one of the best
musicals ever, I'm pretty sure people
would hunt me down & kill me if I forgot
to mention this classic!

It's probably my undying love
for the movie, but I can never get
sick of the songs on this soundtrack!

One of those few soundtracks
I heard before seeing the movie,
only to be somewhat disappointed
after seeing the movie!

Hard to explain how as a teenager
I'd become accustomed to waking
up to this oldschool soundtrack..
until you hear it, that is!

Worth being here if only for the fact
it has The Cardigans on it!

When you have Natalie Portman on the
cover and Zero 7 & Thievery Corporation
inside, you just can't go wrong!

Other worthy mentions: Last Days Of Disco, Studio 54, Trainspotting, The Motorcycle Diaries, Spanglish, Tomorrow Never Dies, Mission Impossible, Charlie's Angels..

Any soundtracks you'd like to add to the list?

Sneakers: A movie so good it got me watching the special features, something I (unfortunately) almost never do!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Licensed To Thrill, Bill & Hopefully Not Kill!

As the Genie from Aladdin would say: 'Seven (thousand) yeeeaars ... will give you such a crick in the neck!' It's been a looong road, & all summed up with 2 (somewhat disappointing) letter grades, you can't help but feel it's all pretty much arbitrary; but hey, if it doesn't kill you it only makes you stronger .. (Checks on biceps muscles) .. Or not! My humor's also taken a major blow, so bear with me dear readers!

Looking back, this journey has been one mixed bag of emotions-kind of like a Micheal Jackson song! (& it's back!) There's no way I could possibly chronicle all those memories in a single post, but would like shed light on the main (well, in my opinion) events. I realize the nostalgic value of such a post is reserved to team players such as doc lost, phatboy & possibly zizo, but hey I'll try & spice them up for your virgin eyes! Besides, some of these stories are probably funnier when you don't know how retarded we really are!

7 Learns To Rock - During a monotonous lecture of General Chemistry, me & a couple of friends decided to remedy our boredom by singing 'classics' from Michael Learns to Rock.. 50% into 'Strange Foreign Beauty' the 100% Kuwaiti professor throws our butts out of class! I still 100%'ed (well, almost) that class, though..

I'm Not Englishly Challenged - For the first couple of lectures in English 101 me & my Englishly un-challenged friends were allowed to leave 5 minutes into the class due to one simple fact: we actually spoke the language! Let's just say we weren't that popular..

I See Green - This one day, doc lost & phatboy (who, at the time, I actually thought were good people!) convinced me that it was totally okay for a guy to buy coloured lens.. Let's just say that the next day after going to college sporting 2 suddenly green eyes I came to the following conclusion: It is sooooooo NOT okay for a guy to wear coloured lens, here or anywhere else!

Low Budget Productions - Once that program that allowed Nokia phones to take videos came out, you best believe we took advantage of it! We started off making tonnes of videos with things 'disappearing'! But later on creativity kicked in & we started coming up with such classics as 'Dreams', 'Doctor, I have this stricture..' & 'Let's kill Babs'!

Stress-aholic - During those pre-exam periods my neurosis would explode into full mode & come up with countless ways of retarding my progress in studying! Let's see, there was this time I couldn't get songs out of my head, when my actual shadow over the desk would distract me from reading (where's Peter Pan when you need him?!) & numerous other neurotic dilemmas!

I Am Arabicly Challenged - After 5 years of completely English lectures & the rest of your life dodging all things Arabic, I can't say I was totally confident taking my first history from a patient in my 'native' language! Let's forget about the numerous 'badliyat' I threw; what I will always remember is that time when while trying to ask a guy how many palpitations he got each day, I ended up asking him whether or not he masturbated! For those not getting this, 'rag3a' is the term for palpitation & replacing the '3' with a 'l' is what this genius did! ... Maybe that's why he suddenly got another attack of his colitis shortly after our encounter..

Breakfast At Maternity's - Me & phatboy were coincidentally both still up at 5am one morning, & realizing that we had to be in the hospital in less than 3 hours we decided we go have breakfast at McDee's! I picked him up & we arrived there at 6am, but those 'Smiles Are Free' punks told us they don't start serving McMuffins till 7:30! Pissed off, we went to a local jam3iya & picked up what we felt was 2nd best: 'Jibn o Za3tar' & chocolate milk! As zizo would say: 'Cheeeeaaaaaapp!' :P But where did we eat?! We drove to the Maternity hospital (where we were currently stationed), parked on the filthy 'beach' & discussed whether that dog lying 10 metres away from my car was dead or not, whilst chowing down on our 100fils meal! Good times! :)

I'm No Tinman - During my Pediatrics rotation I took countless histories from kids & their mothers, but what I wasn't expecting was them to actually remember me! This one kid & his mom were in the hospital for quite a while, & each time I passed by she'd greet me & would refer to me as part of the medical team taking care of her son! It was at that moment that I realized this gruff male exterior (stop laughing those of you that have actually seen me!) houses a surprisingly emotional core :(

High Budget Productions - I finally got motivated (by friends, obviously) to buy a digital video camera, & while I haven't been abusing it to its full potential I will forever laugh my butt off watching 'MTV Cribs - 50 Fils' & 'Latino Lover'- HBP all the way!

Whaddup G? - I don't know what about me & my colleague (I'd say partner, but I think I've already crossed the threshold for acceptable queerness in this post!) screams ghetto, but for some reason any 'hip' doctor we're stuck with reverts to trash talk once we enter his visual field! Must be the way I grab my crotch while strollin' through the hospital wearing my gold labcoat..

I could go on but I doubt it would do my image much good :P Hope you enjoyed learning the truth about those 7 'stressful' years of medicine!

The Party: Ahh, simpler times..

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


You think you're free once the exams are over, but it so ain't over till that unexpected grade stings! I'm guessing yeah I passed those tests to prove I know nothing, but I blame the goodie two-shoes schoolboy within me for that fear of a pretty crappy grade..

Don't worry, this isn't all about my neuroticism, there's a little irony in here too! When I show up for my clinical exam on Monday, guess which room number my patient-to-be resided in?? Yep, I don't write Arabic that good-nosiree! & my student # from them theory bits was 70!! Do I have to spell it out for you?! 7tenths = 7 /10 which is the opposite of 7 x 10 = 70! .. I guess I should've picked a math major.. That or BS! .. Shoot, somebody already beat me to that one!

PS. The title is not a typo, & yes it's funny!

CQ: Cult-alicious!

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I'm-a Yo Papa!!


Trying to avoid the internet obviously hasn't worked out too well, but I'm glad it didn't because I stumbled upon this! It gets-a better towards-a the end! :)

X-Men 3: The Last Stand: 'Don't you know who I am?!' Classic!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

There's Something About Juan..

Not only did Juan's burger guarantee

countless orders,

But his hit burger had already spread

across borders.

The televesion and media
were no exception,

Even that Taco Bell chihuahua was
looking for redemption!

However, Ramon knew this
was no ordinary meal,

And the hidden ingredient
he could not wait to reveal!

A sugary paste or perhaps
some hidden foam,

But Juan's dirty secret was a bit
closer to home.

After each burger he ate
Ramon seemed to want more,

And after his tenth
he even started to soar!

'No, he couldn't!' was Ramon's
first response to the thought,

But a closer look at the culprit's
revealed what he sought!

And so what began as a
simple investigation,

Transformed into quite the
unthinkable situation..

Life Is Beautiful (La Vita
รจ Bella): Truly beautiful :)